Things I Have Learned From My Dog

1. Every day is a new day.
2. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
3. Getting outside to run around every day is important.
4. If you don't get regular time to play, you go crazy.
5. You will get attention if you act cute.

Things My Dog Has Not Learned

1. Fetch. Really, he just goes to get the toy/ball/whatever. Then he just plays with it wherever he is. No bringing it back.
2. The mailman is not trying to break into the house.
3. People do not want to kiss you after you have been licking your own genitals.

I love my dog, and think he's pretty charming.

Jay Pinkerton thinks that Dogs are Idiots. (Via Max)

Comments

[Holtmann]

Do you know the poem "The Revenant" by Billy Collins? Not the relationship you have with your dog, no, but imagine for a moment, if you can, the ghost of a dog who didn't quite enjoy the dog's life:

The Revenant

I am the dog you put to sleep,
as you like to call the needle of oblivion,
come back to tell you this simple thing:
I never liked you--not one bit.

When I licked your face,
I thought of biting off your nose.
When I watched you toweling yourself dry,
I wanted to leap and unman you with a snap.

I resented the way you moved,
your lack of animal grace,
the way you would sit in a chair and eat,
a napkin on your lap, knife in your hand.

I would have run away,
but I was too weak, a trick you taught me
while I was learning to sit and heel,
and--greatest of insults--shake hands without a hand.

I admit the sight of the leash
would excite me
but only because it meant I was about
to smell things you had never touched.

You do not want to believe this,
but I have no reason to lie.
I hated the car, the rubber toys,
disliked your friends and, worse, your relatives.

The jingling of my tags drove me mad.
You always scratched me in the wrong place.
All I ever wanted from you
was food and fresh water in my metal bowls.

While you slept, I watched you breathe
as the moon rose in the sky.
It took all my strength
not to raise my head and howl.

Now I am free of the collar,
the yellow raincoat, monogrammed sweater,
the absurdity of your lawn,
and that is all you need to know about this place

except what you already supposed
and are glad it did not happen sooner--
that everyone here can read and write,
the dogs in poetry, the cats and the others in prose.

-Billy Collins